Jennifer Beall, LCPC, LCADC
These are wise words from Codependents Anonymous (CoDA), and a helpful reminder not to take on responsibility that doesn’t belong to you.
Like a lot of great advice, though, it is often easier said than done. What happens if you didn’t pick up something (like emotional responsibility for a parent) voluntarily, or even knowingly? What if it was handed to you before you were born? What if it was actually handed down through your family for generations?
I’ve worked with many clients over the years who were negatively affected by familial patterns when they were growing up. With very few exceptions, these negative effects weren’t intentional. My clients’ parents/caregivers simply didn’t know any other way to be; they were just following the examples set by their parents, and probably their parents’ parents.
It can be easy to assume that you had no reason to be unhappy with your childhood if you had a roof over your head, clothes to wear, and food to eat, especially if one or both of your parents had it harder than you did. You might worry that the emotional pain you feel isn’t legitimate.
You might also worry that admitting you carry pain from childhood means that you’re blaming your parents. Actually, there is no need to assign blame. Two things can be true at the same time: your parents did the best they could with what they had, and you did not get what you needed from them.
There’s a good chance that at least part of the trauma you’re dealing with is generational trauma; it didn’t start with you, or even with your parents, but was handed down through multiple generations.[i]
One way that generational trauma can be handed down is through learned behaviors. For instance, if one of your grandparents had a serious car accident, it might have made them a nervous driver. That nervousness might have been passed down to one of your parents, and then to you.
Trauma isn’t just handed down through behaviors, though. It can also be passed down through genes. Epigenetics is the study of changes in the ways that genes are expressed. Aspects of the physical environment can create epigenetic changes, but traumatic experiences can, too. There is evidence to suggest that trauma-induced epigenetic changes can be passed on from parents to children.[ii]
Luckily, the therapeutic techniques I prefer (Internal Family Systems, EMDR, Brainspotting, and sandtray therapy) don’t just heal trauma that occurred in your lifetime; they can also heal generational trauma. An example of this is what Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy calls “legacy unburdening.” If you’re doing a legacy unburdening, you hand the burdens of inherited trauma back through the generations of your family; the family member who is the farthest back releases the burden. They then take in a positive quality to replace it, and hand that down the line, from one person to the next, until it gets to you.
If you’re thinking that sounds really woo-woo, I get it. It sounded that way to me, too, until I experienced a legacy unburdening of my own and realized what a powerful healing process it can be.
If you picked up an unhelpful pattern of thinking, feeling, or behaving without realizing it, or if it was handed to you before you were old enough to even have a choice, I can help you to put it down. If you’re ready to let go of things that shouldn’t have been yours in the first place, fill out a contact form, book a consultation, or call or text me at 410-888-0590.
[i] https://health.clevelandclinic.org/generational-trauma
[ii] Cooper, A. (June 12, 2024). “Can trauma be inherited through genes?” National Geographic. https://apple.news/Ajp_cp-ySQ96H_u6lVnbw8g