- 1457 Jordan Ave, Crofton, MD 21114
ACoA Therapy In Crofton, MD
Do You Have Low Self-Esteem?
- Do you sometimes feel like a child even though you’re an adult?
- Do angry people and authority figures scare you?
- Do you feel like an impostor?
- Do you wish you could just be normal?
If you were negatively affected by a parent’s drinking while you were growing up, and those negative effects have continued into adulthood, the above statements may resonate with you. There are other childhood situations that can have the same effect, like having a mentally ill parent or being raised to think you have to be perfect in order to be worthy.
If this sounds like you, then you can probably identify as an Adult Child of an Alcoholic (ACoA or ACA). I’ve always found this term to be particularly apt; when you were a child, you felt like you had to think and act like an adult, and now that you’re an adult, you feel like a child. An important part of ACA recovery is to learn to feel like a grownup (instead of a kid who has all of the responsibilities of a grownup).
What was it like for you when you were growing up?
You may have been “parentified” as a child, meaning that you took on the responsibilities of a parent. Maybe you had to take care of your younger siblings and make sure they got to school, had lunch, etc. Depending on the state of your parent’s drinking, your roles might have been reversed, with you acting like the parent and them acting like the child.
Even if you weren’t parentified, there’s a good chance that you learned pretty early on that you had to take care of yourself (physically, mentally, and/or emotionally) because your parents weren’t doing it. While you were doing this, you weren’t able to truly be a kid. You also didn’t have the chance to grow up emotionally.
With the help of ACoA therapy, you can learn to give yourself what you needed when you were growing up, so you can heal.
Don’t Compare Your Insides To Someone Else’s Outside
There are a lot of people out there who qualify as Adult Children of Alcoholics, but they often don’t know it because they’re afraid to admit to thinking and feeling the way they do. Many people feel like there’s an instruction book for life that everyone else got that they didn’t get. It’s uncomfortable to admit to feeling broken, and not many people are willing to be vulnerable in that way.
If you are an ACA, you probably grew up in what Marsha Linehan, developer of Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), called an “invalidating environment”—you were told you didn’t and/or shouldn’t think what you thought or feel what you felt. The focus (particularly when you were very young) should have been on you and your needs, but instead it was on the needs and desires of your parent(s). Instead of being loved and cherished, you were criticized, put down, neglected, and possibly abused.
When, during ACA therapy, I’m doing EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) with a client to process a traumatic memory, one of the questions I ask is “What negative thought do you have about yourself now when you picture this memory?” The two most common negative thoughts I hear from clients are “I’m unworthy” and “I’m unlovable.” These are beliefs that come out of growing up in the invalidating environments I mentioned earlier.
The good news is that ACoA therapy with a therapist who provides what is called a “corrective emotional experience” can help you to release these negative beliefs about yourself and finally live the life you deserve.
What Can You Expect From ACoA Therapy With Me?
When you come to me for ACoA therapy, you’ll begin to understand the reasons you think and feel the way you do. You’ll learn new patterns of interacting with other people, and you’ll finally be able to let go of the negative self-talk that has been plaguing you.
My office is a safe, non-judgmental space. My clients have often described it as calming. All of the therapeutic approaches I specialize in (EMDR, IFS, sandtray therapy, and Brainspotting) go much deeper than CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy). These approaches are bottom-up, not top-down, which means they engage the emotional parts of the brain, not just the prefrontal cortex. They also draw on your innate capacity for healing. I facilitate the process, but your brain is the true healer. Therefore, your counseling is not for just any ACA—it is tailor-made for you.
What Is My Relevant ACoA Therapy Experience?
I have been working as an ACoA therapist for over twenty years. It started when I was a counseling intern. I did one of my graduate school internships at Chrysalis House, a residential treatment center for women with addictions, and then worked there for three years after I graduated. I learned from working at Chrysalis House that alcoholics and addicts of all kinds almost always grew up in “invalidating environments” as described above. Drinking and using started as attempts to cope with unmanageable thoughts and feelings. I don’t think I’ve ever met an alcoholic or addict who wasn’t also an ACoA.
I also have personal experience that informs my work as an ACoA therapist. At one point in my Chrysalis House internship, my supervisor told me that I had all of the characteristics of an ACoA. This surprised me, because I had never seen either of my parents drink alcohol. (I later found out that the ACoA 12-step group welcomes anyone who can identify with the “laundry list” of ACoA characteristics.) One day, there was a hot seat session for a Chrysalis House resident. The staff and other residents were concerned that she might relapse, so they sat in a circle around her and told her what they were seeing in her that made them worried. I realized that all of the things they were saying about her could just as easily have been said about me. That’s when I realized that my supervisor was right!
What Are Some Of The Questions You May Be Asking About ACoA Therapy?
I’m pretty sure I’m broken. If that’s the case, what’s the point of therapy?
The dynamics in your family of origin may have led you to believe you were broken, but you are not. As IFS (Internal Family Systems) therapy says, every person has a core part called their Self that cannot be broken, although it is sometimes hidden.
OK, if I’m not actually broken, I’ve definitely got a lot wrong with me. Is therapy going to be endless?
One of the reasons I chose my preferred therapeutic modalities (EMDR, IFS, Brainspotting, and sandtray therapy) is that they not only generally work better than talk therapy alone, but they are also more efficient. My clients actually do achieve their therapy goals and are able to move on with their lives when they are ready to do so.
I’ve spent most of my life avoiding and suppressing painful feelings. I’m afraid that if I start to let those feelings out, I’ll be overwhelmed and won’t be able to handle it.
My first experience as a therapy client was extremely traumatic, because a lot of big feelings came up and I wasn’t given enough tools to deal with them. I remember how terrible that was for me, so I offer my clients the tools and resources they need to cope with whatever shows up.