Jennifer Beall, LCPC, LCADC
Take a moment to consider some of the aspects of yourself that you don’t like. For instance, you may be very critical of yourself. Perhaps you bend over backwards to make everyone else happy. Maybe you tend to fade into the woodwork so as not to call attention to yourself.
Have you ever wished you could get rid of those parts of yourself?
Many people think that we need to banish thoughts and behaviors that aren’t serving us. They don’t know that everyone has many parts, and these ways of thinking and acting are roles that parts take on in a sincere but misguided attempt to help us.
In most cases, the roles these parts take on are developed when we are very young. When we’re that young, we have few resources, very little power, and a very basic (often incorrect) understanding of the world. When we encounter situations that feel scary or dangerous to us, we face them with limited toolkits, but we manage to find coping mechanisms to get us through.
In IFS terms, this process involves two different types of parts. Exiles are vulnerable, wounded parts. Protectors are parts that try to protect exiles or, in some cases, try to protect the system as a whole from exiles (if they think the exiles might overwhelm the system).
The problem is that the protectors are essentially only moments older than the exiles, because when one part feels threatened, another part immediately takes on the role of its protector.
Picture an exile and a protector as a pair of young twins. Imagine one twin is getting yelled at by their mother, and her sister (who is a few minutes older than she is) jumps in between them and tries to protect her. Maybe this works temporarily, possibly by distracting their mother. From that moment on, the older twin takes on a protector role; she believes it’s her job to keep her sister (the exile) safe. This is the dynamic that is created when one internal part decides that it’s their job to protect another part.
It’s one thing to use the unsophisticated forms of protection that we develop as children when we’re, say, four years old. It’s quite another thing to still be using them when we’re 24, or 44, or 64. And yet, that’s what people do if they don’t learn other ways to deal with difficult situations.
Maybe you’re thinking that if these protector parts are so unsophisticated and ineffective, it does make sense to banish them. Think back to the pair of twins, though. Would you banish the older twin because she wasn’t qualified to protect her sister? Of course not! A better option would be for a caring adult to let the older twin know that she doesn’t have to keep her sister safe, because the adult will do it. The adult and child can work together to find something more age-appropriate for her to do, like play a game with her little sister.
What kinds of situations might lead to the development of the defense mechanisms I mentioned at the beginning of this post?
A self-critical voice might arise if a part of you thinks it would hurt less if you criticized yourself before someone else could do it. Or it might be an attempt to motivate you to do everything perfectly so that bad things won’t happen to you.
People pleasing is a very common coping mechanism. It’s usually an attempt to stay safe by making other people happy, because if they’re happy, they probably won’t hurt you. It also often involves hoping that if you take care of other people, they’ll take care of you in return.
Some children learn to fade into the woodwork when they realize that being noticed can be physically and/or emotionally dangerous to them. This creates an unfortunate paradox, though, because all children need and crave attention. When you need to be noticed, but you’re also afraid of being noticed, you’re kind of stuck!
One of the main goals of IFS is to help protector parts to find appropriate, reasonable jobs. This may mean doing something completely different from the role they originally took on, or it may just mean dialing the intensity down. For instance, a less extreme version of the self-critical voice can actually be helpful, because it can encourage you to find more effective ways of accomplishing tasks. The problem comes when it goes too far and makes you feel like a failure.
Which of the parts I mentioned here sound familiar to you? Are there ones I didn’t list that you’ve identified in yourself? IFS therapy can help your parts to let go of unrealistic expectations of themselves and find more appropriate roles. If this sounds good to you and your parts, fill out a contact form, book a consultation, or call or text me at 410-888-0590.