Jennifer Beall, LCPC, LCADC
Alcoholic families have certain patterns in common. One is that they maintain firm boundaries with the outside world; they put a great deal of energy into keeping anyone outside of the family from knowing what goes on within the family. They do their best to look like they have it all together. The idea is that if it looks good, it is good; it doesn’t matter what the reality is. Boundaries within an alcoholic family, on the other hand, are blurred, weak, or nonexistent.
In a healthy family dynamic, there is a clear delineation between parents and kids. The parents are in charge of making sure that the kids are ok; the kids are not responsible for making sure that the parents are ok.
In an alcoholic family, there is less of a distinction between parents and children. Children may take care of siblings from an early age and, in many cases, take care of their parents (emotionally or otherwise), too. Triangulation, where a parent asks a child to side with them against the other parent, is another way in which the parent/child distinction can be blurred.
Members of alcoholic families tend to take on specific roles. There is, of course, the alcoholic parent. The other parent is often called the chief enabler. They take a primary role in making the family look good. They also do things to keep the alcoholic from having to face the consequences of their actions. For instance, if the alcoholic parent is hung over and can’t go to work, their spouse might call in and tell their boss that they’re sick.
Children of alcoholics also take on certain roles. It’s not always set in stone which child takes which role; it’s also possible for a kid to take on more than one role. Each child’s role has its own way of drawing attention away from the dynamics in the family.
The first of these roles is the family hero; this is often the oldest child. This child is the stereotypical high achiever. They’re most likely to be the one to take on a parental role. They are well-behaved. They get good grades. They participate in extracurricular activities. All of their outward success serves as a distraction from the dysfunction inside the family. After all, how could someone so successful come from a dysfunctional family?
Seemingly opposite of the family hero is the scapegoat. While the hero draws attention away from the family dysfunction, the scapegoat becomes the focus of all of the negativity. They act out (and are blamed for) the family’s dysfunction. They might get bad grades. They might get in trouble at school. They might even get into legal trouble. This is the child that the parents are likely to take to a therapist and say, “Fix them!”
The next role is the lost child. This is the child who blends into the woodwork; they do their best not to be noticed. Interestingly, the lost child might look like the family hero at times, because doing well in school and being outwardly successful can be a way to not call attention to themselves. After all, if they’re doing well, they don’t need any extra attention, right?
The final role is that of the mascot. The mascot is often the youngest child in the family. They distract from the family dysfunction by being fun, cute, or entertaining. Their “song and dance” is designed to distract from the family dysfunction.
If you grew up in an alcoholic family, which role did you play? Are you still doing it? If so, are you ready to consider breaking out of that role so that you can choose your own way of being in the world? Let’s explore the possibilities together! Please fill out a contact form, book a consultation, or call or text me at 410-888-0590.