Jennifer Beall, LCPC, LCADC
Growing up, many people learned to be “fiercely independent,” never asking for help, and always hiding their feelings so they could appear strong.
How well does that work?
I’m not sure where the phrase “fiercely independent” originated, but lots of people lay claim to this quality. What’s not to like, really? If you don’t depend on anyone else, they can’t let you down.
Think of the possible negatives that might come from asking for help. For one thing, you might be rejected. And if someone helps you, not only might you feel like you’re in the “one down” position, but you’ll probably feel like you owe them. Nobody likes to be indebted to someone else.
And yet…fiercely independent people might get kind of lonely. Humans are pack animals, after all. It’s true that there’s some degree of vulnerability in being in relationship with others, but it has its advantages, too.
And guess what? It turns out that asking for help can actually be good for you! Angela Duckworth, in an opinion piece for the New York Times[i], offers evidence of some of its benefits. College students who ask others for help perform better than those who don’t. Entrepreneurs are more successful when they learn from one another. People who have networks of support tend to have better mental health overall than those without them.
Now let’s look at the practice of hiding feelings. When I was a kid, I loved singing along with Melissa Manchester’s song “Don’t Cry Out Loud,” which could easily have been the anthem of all of those who considered themselves to be fiercely independent. Here’s the chorus: “Don’t cry out loud/ Just keep it inside/ And learn how to hide your feelings/ Fly high and proud/ And if you should fall/ Remember you almost had it all.”
Many people have been raised to believe that they should try to avoid feeling one or more of what are often called the “negative” emotions, like anger, sadness, and fear.[ii] If, by some chance, someone does accidentally experience one of these emotions in the presence of someone else who disapproves of them (spoiler alert: everyone experiences all of these feelings), the last thing they want to do is let them know about it!
Think of action movies, the ones with lots of danger and explosions. The heroes of these movies are seen as courageous. It’s true that putting yourself into hazardous situations can be a sign of courage. But there’s another kind of courage that isn’t nearly so popular: the courage to be vulnerable enough to show your emotions.
This doesn’t seem to make sense. What do courage and vulnerability have to do with each other? Think about it, though. In a society that discourages vulnerability, being willing to open up to someone and show them your feelings takes a great deal of courage.
Many people who have been discouraged from showing their emotions eventually find themselves unable to identify what they’re feeling. This is different, of course, from not having feelings at all. They definitely still have them, but they have put them in the “irrelevant” box long enough that they no longer recognize them.
This can be dangerous, because only by recognizing and allowing your feelings can you hope to regulate them. Burying them doesn’t work, because they’re going to come out one way or another. It’s like burying drums of toxic waste underground. Eventually, the drums are going to corrode, start to leak, and poison the ground around them without anyone realizing it.
What do you think? Have I made a case for being less fierce in your independence? Are you willing to consider that asking for help and sharing your feelings might be good things? If so, a great first step would be to fill out a contact form, book a consultation, or call or text me at 410-888-0590.
[i] https://www.nytimes.com/2026/08/28/opinion/successful-people-help.html?unlocked_article_code=1.CFE.bgSy.UW3W90wJGD5A&smid=url-share
[ii] The emotions that are discouraged are often dictated by gender. For instance, women and girls are often discouraged from showing anger, while men and boys are often discouraged from showing sadness.