Jennifer Beall
In the video below, Dr. Gabor Maté, a Canadian physician and author, speaks of the conflict between attachment needs and the need for authenticity. This conflict is present, to one extent or another, in all parent-child relationships, but it is particularly problematic in alcoholic or otherwise dysfunctional families.
The first need Dr. Maté describes is the need for attachment. As infants, our attachments to our parents or other caregivers are necessary for our survival. This need for human connection, forming attachments in our society and social groups, continues throughout our lives.
Attachment isn’t our only survival need; authenticity is also essential. We need to know who we are. We need to be in touch with our bodies and our emotions. We need to be able to trust our instincts. Knowing who we are is not enough, though; we also need to be able to own our truths and safely express them in relationships.
The problem comes when the need for attachment and the need for authenticity are in conflict. No parent is able to be perfectly attuned to their child. Even a parent who is actively trying to nurture their child’s sense of self will have times when they unconsciously communicate to them that they are not acceptable as they are. When this happens, the child suppresses their self-expression in order to maintain that essential attachment bond.
Losing touch with our essential selves has many long-term consequences, including addictions and mental and physical health problems.
While some level of this conflict between attachment and authenticity happens with all parents and children, it happens much more in a dysfunctional family, because the parents’ mental, emotional, and sometimes physical issues interfere with their ability to meet their children’s needs. In such a family, attachment is tenuous at best.
In order for the attachment between a parent and child to be healthy, consistency is needed. In a dysfunctional family that consistency is not there; in many cases this is because at least one parent is emotionally unpredictable. The other members of the family, particularly the children, never know what they’re going to get. The parent may be loving and happy one moment and angry and violent the next.
When the parent-child bond is so fragile, the child devotes a great deal of time and energy to trying to maintain the connection. The child’s autonomy is sacrificed in the process.
It often doesn’t occur to the child that this is what is happening. It can take years before they start to wonder who they really are. They’ve spent so much of their life trying to conform to others’ needs and desires that they need to learn how to identify their own.
This is where therapy comes in. The therapist-client relationship shows clients that it is possible to be themselves and not be rejected. They learn to identify and accept their emotions. They begin to relearn who they are and what they like. They are then able to develop healthy relationships outside of the therapy room.
Does this conflict between competing needs sound familiar to you? If so, you’re not alone. Many of my clients come to me for therapy because they realize that they don’t know who they are, and they decide that they want to do something about it. If you’ve recognized this attachment/authenticity struggle in yourself and you’re ready to reclaim your identity, please fill out a contact form, book a consultation, or call or text me at 410-888-0590.